Quotes

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.
-Khalil Gibran

Laziness is only resting before you get tired.
-John Sydney

Ron Jeremy is the Wayne Gretzky of porn, he's a hero to many people.
-JCA

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
-Howard Scott, Economist

Dammit Rob, you're in the wrong spot, get off my bra.
-Deanna Loss

There ain't no party like a chess club party.
-Some guy in Doug's A&S 111 class

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-Woody Allen

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
-Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
-Gloria Leonard

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. "
-Dick Wilson

Beware of the fury of the patient man.
-John Dryden

Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti

We can't all be heros, someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Flame all you want. We'll post more.

Bad cop! No donut!

I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
-M. C. Escher

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-G. K. Chesterton

Oh boy, POINTS!
-Turbo, while looking some chic straight in the eye at a stop light

Never trust anything that can bleed for five days every month and live
-Chucklethorn

There's a time and a place for everything...
...but how come I haven't found the time for sex on a golf course yet!
-Turbo

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
-George F. Will

I suppose you could look at this as our 'bustin' out' album, the one that might establish us as the next counting crows. Fuck it, we never even got to meet the chick on our cover
-Dean Ween

Did it just occur to you one day, while you were sitting there, reading your Guns and Ammo, masturbating in your own feces, that you said, I'm really fucking insane??
-Seven

Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else.
-William Rotsler

Isn't it sad how some people can't be funny, so they have to settle for being obnoxious?
-Someone else's quote page

 I'm a freshmen at North Adams State. Last night I was taking a shower. I was really content scrubbin' and adubbin' with one leg propped up on the soap dish (I was shaving my legs in a stand up shower, pervert).Then the freakin' fire alarm went off. I threw on my robe. I'm all wet and soapy. I run outside and accidentally flash the good people of North Adams. I only got to shave one leg. I need my therapist. It was a traumatic experience. I did get a few dates and a made-for-t.v. movie deal.
Yeah, well it's hailing out and I've always had this fantasy of running around naked with a ring of kielbasa around my neck and a black and white photo of nell carter slapped to my ass. Does anyone care? What about MY needs.
-Some strange person who visited my homepage (Basia Tarasiak)

There's nothing an agnostic can or can't do if he decides he really wants to put his mind to it or not.
-Graham Chapman from the Monty Python "Bells" sketch

All the good ones are either taken or disinterested.
-Mampe's first theorem of love/lust

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
 -Mrs. Patrick Campbell

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Though she may look good from afar, she may be far from good looking.
-Matt O'Halloran

Ride bikes, eat what you want, unlearn how to feel remorse and be happy BUT... Beaten paths are for beaten people and it's not that life is too short it's just that we're dead for such a long time.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.

There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

Did God tell you you're a loser too?
-Hank

Are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?
-Addam's Family

Yes, it is better than Windows 3.1 but so is a Buick better than a Yogo but that doesn't mean I want a Buick.
-Unknown on Windows95

In one day I could fix the world. I would fry the S.O.B.s on death row. I would drop the bomb on Iraq. I would put arsenic in all the drugs that are seized. Then I would put it out in the public. I would invade Canada. That is the only place the Mexicans can't stand. Finally I would set up a monarchy and guess who the king would be. By the way if you don't like it kiss my ass.............
-alt.bitterness

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
- Janeane Garofalo

Responsive is all about knowing what the car's doing just by the way the seat's vibrating your butt.
-Unknown Indy Racer

I feel like a machine baby, that's no way to feel.
-Shaft

I've always pictured NIN unplugged as Trent standing there, looking confuzed, admidst piles of sheet metal, car doors, pistons, hydraulic pumps, and band members beating cats.
-HCSCHC

Go away or I'll tear out your eyes and skull-fuck you.
-The Madhatter (not the guy from AIW)

I miss my ex-girlfriend. Perhaps adjusting the sights would improve my aim....

The reason the word FUCK is in this .sig is twofold: it stands for Freedom Under Constitutional Knowledge, and it sets off government imposed and created "decency monitors" (censorship devices) intended to "clean up" the internet, criminalizing free expression and endagering free speech.
-Signature found on the internet

You did crack a fat today didn't you!
-Dave Letterman to Nicole Kidman before she explained that it's an Australian expression for an erection.

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after me.
-Nirvana

Every man wants to be a woman's first. Every woman wants to be a man's last.
-Matt thinks he said this first, but I think I've heard it elsewhere

Will you give me oral pleasure?
-Pulp Fiction

How many people do you know eat other people? And swallow?
-Comedian Bobby ?

Give me some sugar baby.
-Army of Darkness

First you want to kill me. Now you want to kiss me. Blow.
-Army of Darkness

Hail to the king baby.
-Army of Darkness

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
-Pulp Fiction (and the Bible)

I'm American, honey, our names don't mean shit.
-Pulp Fiction

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and have a heart attack.
-Pulp Fiction

You ain't leading nothing but Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town.
-Army of Darkness

Kelly: How do I look?
Bud: Like a limited edition condom packing barbie.
-Married With Children

"Well, I guess *I* won't be having hamburger for dinner tonight..."
-Unknown after seeing the "Happiness in Slavery" video for the first time.

And when I was about nine, I saw my mother naked. That was pretty frighteneing. Back then, women didn't know about the grooming thing. At first, I thought she was wearing panties. Mohair panties.
-Howard Stern

All right, so I've got a small penis.
-Howard Stern

Alison: No, I never have sex on the first date.
Howard: That's absurb. Tell you what. I'll drive you home and pick you up in two minutes so it'll be our second date.
-Howard Stern and wife Alison on first date

I would have filled her love pouch with my cock cheese while she did the schmegahiney dance.
-Howard Stern

Liar, liar, pants on...oh yeah, can't say that.
-Beavis

But what if there's a...nevermind.
-Beavis after Butthead suggests disconnecting the smoke detector.

200 bucks and I don't get to pee on you?
-Killing Zoe

Look I'm jacking off. It could be fifteen minutes, could be an hour. Take messages.
-Trent Reznor

This is a song about wrapping your dick up in a flannel shirt and fucking a cow up the ass with it.
-Trent Reznor

Guppy Rules of Life: If it's smaller than you, eat it. If it's larger than you, swim away from it. If it's the same size as you, mate with it.
-Signature found on Internet

Mr. Pink: You kill anybody?
Mr. White: A few cops.
Mr. Pink: No real people?
Mr. White: Just cops.
-Reservoir Dogs

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-Steven Wright

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
-Steven Wright

Go away...I'm alright.
-Last words of H. G. Wells

It's important to have a job that makes a difference boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
-Clerks

Making a male climax isn't at all challenging. Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat. Making a female come, therein lies the challenge.
-Clerks

Never trust someone who concludes a phone conversation with - "ROCK ON, MAN!!".
-Eric Nelson

...remove my quote about the phone thing, it's less funny out of context...
-Eric Nelson

Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a nincompoop.
-Francis I of France

So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obsesive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly."
-Emo Phillips

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
-Unknown

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